John could not believe the black hole that he was in. Wanted for murder, justifiable in his mind, but salacious in Sheriff Knapp's mind. Not only that, he had killed the most notorious renegade in Texas history; and praised for that killing by everyone. Why had he been the one to protect the innocent settlers in the wagon train? Confounded by those events about taking life was an understatement for John. A kid, just out of college looking to take over the family freighting business, marry the most beautiful women in the world and look at him now. Where did it all go wrong? He never wanted this. He never sought to be a murderer nor a hero. He just wanted to settle down with Nancy and start a family.
What about his reputation. John had spent his whole life seriously guarding his reputation. Any southern gentlemen would. But that was now in tatters. Accused of murder, wanted posters hanging everywhere he went, and at the same time hailed as the pacifier of that villainous Apache raider, Sannd. John's internal conflict with the Catholic faith was tearing him apart too. 'Thou shall not kill'. John had done just that.
John had to survive and find a single witness to clear his name. He had to survive and convince Nancy that he was not a wanton murderer of men. She had to be convinced that he was the man she admired the most and what had happened was all a mistake. But how? He could not write her, no one would carry the letters back to New Orleans. He wished he had never left home to come out west.
What about John's family. What would they think of him. How would they feel when they heard he had taken a man's life? He had done it not once but twice! The family would be ridiculed in public by the lesser people in New Orleans. But it would sting nevertheless. Both Cajun and Creole sides of the family would be mortified at John's actions. Chatter behind their backs would hurt even more. Would the family business be affected?
What of the history of his life. How would that be written? Was John destined to be the notorious Alvarado that the family tree tried to hide. That shameful branch of a wanton killer, who descended into hell for his deeds!
John hated his life right now. How was he to survive? How would he retrieve what he had lost, how would he be remembered? How would his grandchildren, if he ever had any remember him? John's internal conflicts racked him unmercifully. He would never show it outwardly, but John suffered every day. He had to set things right. Right with himself and right with all around him. He was not a quitter. This was uncharted territory for him. He had to do it by himself. The only solace he could take is that this might be what his ancestor's might have gone through, and they survived.... Yes, that was it. How had they overcome similar circumstances? How had they survived? He tried to remember.
