God Called You

After the sudden death of my father, at 9 years old, I found myself talkingto strangers that wanted to help me stop feeling sad. I had never beenaround anyone who could explain coping.Through extensive therapy, I was immediately intrigued by how the mindworked. I was fascinated in trying to understand how I could manipulatemy own negative thoughts and feelings. Learning how to make myself feelok, safe. Finding out how resilient I was, opened up a whole new worldfor me. That didn't have to be filled with anger or abuse. I gained controlover myself and my thoughts. Which lead me to dive into any aspect ofpsychology I could. I wanted to absorb as much information I could tomake myself a better sister, daughter, friend and eventually a mother.One month after turning 17 I gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby girl, Macie Dawn, the only thingI had done right thus far. Suddenly I had someone who couldn't leave, who would love me no matterwhat. For the first time in my life I felt a whole different level of important. I was going to make sureshe never felt the pain, sadness, emptiness and abandonment I felt. A life depended on me.Her father, Steven, treated me with kindness. I was 18, just had a baby my last year of high school,living with my fiancé who is 6 years my senior, working in a nursing home. It was us 3 against theworld. Steven made sure that her and I were protected, loved and well taken care of. Although heand I had a toxic relationship. This was our world, I was going to make our family worked.However, I soon realized I couldn't fix Steven, I couldn't control his inner demons, from war, from hisfather's rejection, from drugs, alcohol. After an unsuccessful 90 day stay in a treatment facility, Stevenwas losing his battle with his demons. Then one year to the day after giving birth to our beautifulbaby, Steven took his own life.